If you can't verbalize it, then write

I am not one for conflict. I very much like to have things resolved, and quickly. I want everyone to like me, which isn't going to happen, and it might explain why my opinion of myself is so negative.

We've just ended birthday season as I call it. My children are 6, 4, and 2, and I just turned 30. Rich's grandfather decided that he had had enough of his earthly body, and flew to the arms of Jesus on Jack's and my birthday. A day of celebration my sister-in-law called it. Indeed. His life's journey is over, his heart and health have been restored, and his sanctification is complete. God called him home because the death of His saints is precious to Him, (Psalm 115:16). We all miss him, and we will do everything that we can to keep his memory alive for his great grandchildren. His hobby after retiring from practicing medicine was wood working, and was he ever good at it. We are fortunate enough to have some pieces of furniture that he made for us. He made amazing toys for each of our boys, and he made a jewelry box for Emma that even has a music box in it. Rich brought it home 2 weeks ago when he went to visit Grandpop. How cool that he got to give it to Emma himself.

We were blessed to have Jerram Barrs preach at church yesterday as part of our send off for our pastor. He's headed off on a 5 month sabbatical. I need to pray for him while he is gone. He asked for prayer for his ability to relax; I can relate to that.
Mr. Barrs led Sunday school too, and talked about Jesus' interaction with Zacchaeus, who was most despised by the people of the day because he was a tax collector. But Jesus chose to display not only a desire to spend time with Zacchaeus at his home, but to show him mercy. He forgave him and Zacchaeus repented, and then went on to restore what he had taken wrongly in the form of taxes. I've been struck by Mr. Barrs talking about our being commanded to show mercy to others because Jesus showed it and does so for me each day.

I've had a lingering issue with a former friend that came up unexpectedly this week. We corresponded last week and forgave each other, or so I thought. We feel differently about something, we handled it differently, and I was expected to forgive her, but she didn't really forgive me for something that had hurt me. We could keep playing the equivalent of tennis with this, but she shut down when I brought my complaint to her(after hearing her complaints and asking for forgiveness). But I need to show mercy and drop this for good. I must not let Satan fill my head with what I want to say because I don't want an "I told you so" moment; I want this buried.

So more importantly I need to strive daily to show mercy to my husband, my children, my friends, and to the driver who cuts me off in traffic. I deserve death for my sin, but God allows me to see the sunrise each day. That's mercy.

worry wart

I worry A LOT. About what, you may ask? Oh, everything. That's got to be one of the biggest struggles in my life. A sweet friend once told me that her husband told her to not sweat the small stuff in life, to which she replied, "But if I don't then who will?" I laughed out loud in spite of myself. That's me.
You know that recurring bad dream that plagues us throughout college about that class that you signed up for but never attended? and so you're going to fail it? But you know it's not your reality, and it still haunts you? Yes, that's me.
I have been given the amazing gift of a husband who loves me and wants to provide the very best for me and our children. Do I show gratitude like I should? Oh, the shame of having to tell you no. Most of you know about our new house that we will be moving into, Lord willing, sometime in April. Am I overjoyed at the prospect of our family having room to play, grow, entertain, and serve in? Yes. So why is my beforewemoveinorI'lljustDIE list so stinkin' long? Do I really need my kids' new bathroom to have everything that it has to have in order to suit me, like now? Nope. So why do I worry about these things?
I have given Satan his foothold when I do this. I was to reading my kids from their Bible story book one evening last week, and I read the passage about God's clothing the lilies of the field, and that if He does that, does He not care so much more for you and me? Yes, my doubting heart, He does! My treasure is in Heaven with my God who gave me precious things like His son's sacrifice, my husband, my 3 beautiful children, my parents, siblings; the list goes on and on.
What have I to worry about? I know that this life is full of struggles as we wage daily war against self and Satan, but that battle has been won. The last chapter has been written, and my daily focus is to be on the cross.
The grass withers, the flower fades, and so do my to-do lists.

Moving On

I married a guy who has big ideas. Ideas that sometimes make me suck in my breath sharply and think, "Oookaay." One of these big ideas has been to build a custom house. "Excuse me? Custom? As in, design it yourself? Um, well, let's see... Remember those times that you dressed the kids yourself? Yeah..."

Well, when we moved to Spring from State College, PA, our plans to settle in this part of Houston put us incredibly close to a PCA church and reasonably close to Rich's new job. We loved this little starter house, and could never have imagined where we would be six and a half years later. We're about to more than outgrow this house, we now attend a PCA church in The Woodlands, and Rich's ingenuity, and some might say dogged persistence, have led to this dream home becoming a reality.

We now have new friends at a pretty wonderful church. And though the memories of our early church years in Texas sometimes still sting, I am humbled when I see again how negative circumstances can bring about much good. I would never have met the people that I've been so blessed to meet and call friends. Rich and I long for our family to be a part of that community 100%.

There is much to be done in the next few months, and my children ask with much frequency if they can take their toys and beds to our new house. I think they might be confusing home ownership with crashing in a hostel while hiking through Switzerland. Anyway, we have been blessed beyond anything either of us could have imagined. And then God gives us perks, if you will. He has blessed us above---and beyond.

So, to our Woodlands friends, please know how elated we are to join your neck of the woods. And I am learning, slowly, that change is good. Things that happened in 2005 have played a part in who I am today, and I wouldn't change it. Any of it.
"When God closes a door, somewhere He opens a window." Indeed. And I am currently at peace with the draft.