The Emperor has no Clothes

There are a few things that I'm pretty good at. I can juggle laundry, feeding Emma, and talking on the phone all over the noise of our morning dose of cartoons. Oh, yes. I can compete with the best of 'em in that arena. And I do enjoy a clean toilet. Yes, especially after Will squeezed half a tube of his toothpaste ONTO the rim. I think it took 4 times to get it all off before cleaning it. Will we ever be able to leave this child alone for any length of time?
And then there are the things that I'm good at that I am not proud of.

When Rich and I are in the midst of a "lively" disagreement, and I can let them fly, I am truly ashamed. My heart is heavy right now, and the sad, sappy song playing on "Toy Story 2" right now isn't helping. I don't think I can handle the third one; I don't want to do all that crying, and I KNOW I will.
Anyway, I stink at parenting too. Why do I yell over the dumbest things? Why am I not more PATIENT?

When Rich and I first moved to Spring, we found a different church home, we didn't know anyone, Rich was starting his new job, and I was pregnant with Jack. Yeah...
Remember the Star Trek transporter thingy that we got to chuckle at often? And how after the famous,"Beam me up,Scottie," we got to see the glittery water that was posing as Enterpriser DNA, and what have you? That was a little bit how my life felt; just without the glitter. I don't remember any glitter. I was attending a church Bible study that our associate pastor's wife led, and I rememeber vividly her saying that we wouldn't need to pray for patience if we already possessed it. A simple enough concept, but it was like I was hearing it for the first time.
Apparently I can be pretty transparent too. We're broken people, right? We can agree on that. And I have some pretty wonderful friends who let me see their vulnerability, and it is freeing to me. I've never been around more transparent friends before, and it's amazing. I walk into church every week and say to myself, "Everyone in here has it together BUT ME." No, no. We just like to lie and say that everything's fine. I do that to Rich too. He knows when something's not adding up, and he is always reminding me that my brokenness is acknowledging my complete lack of ability to do anything good apart from Jesus.
So,to those who have asked, I am okay. I'm broken, tired, vocal, praying, being sanctified, and sinning, until He returns. Just like you, my sweet friends. Just like you.
I leave you with these words that we sing in our church. It's an oldie called "Pensive, Doubting, Fearful." And it's written by John Newton. Now, there's a story for you.

"Pensive, doubting, fearful heart, hear what Christ, the Savior, says.
Every word shall joy impart. Change thy mourning into praise.
Yes, He speaks, and speaks to thee. May He help thee to believe.
Then thou presently will see, thou hast little cause to grieve."
And that's just the first verse...